Wading Through Murky Waters

“How are you doing?”

“Good.”

If I told you the truth it would just get weird and awkward.

“You are always smiling all the time.”

You have no idea what is behind my smile.

Sometimes there is a dark cloud looming above me. I suffer from a disorder that at times makes me feel as if I am trapped in a thick dark, gooey puddle of sorrow. I lose my ability to sleep and then I sleep too much. My body aches and my mind feels like it is full of sludge. I am anxious and irritable. Some days I don’t even want to leave my bed.

Depression.

It is far more debilitating than most people realize. While all these things above are true, how do you explain that to someone?

When we ask one another how are you doing what do we really want to hear? Can you imagine the response I might get if I said well today I am trying to convince myself that I am not worthless? It is almost laughable. If I were to even tone it down and say well I am struggling with my depression it still gets very awkward very quick. I have tested this theory.

When scripture says in Galatians 6:2, “ Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ” what does that look like in our current context. Unfortunately we live in a fallen world with many broken people. It is not as cut and dry as we would like to think. Many Christians are suffering in silence because of the negative stigmas that come with mental disorders. Even beyond mental disorders if we profess to be Christians we are expected to be okay. We are not creating safe places for people to fall apart.

“If you just pray hard enough it will go away.”

“You have Jesus you don’t need pills to cope.”

“You are saved why can’t you just be happy?”

“Can’t you just get over it?”

“Well you are just under spiritual attack you need to pray more.”

These phrases are like a knife to my heart. They make me want to vomit. Don’t you think I have cried out to God for relief from major depressive disorder? Could someone possibly think I enjoy feeling not worth living? Do we understand the impact our words and inability to embrace those who are suffering is having on culture?

Thankfully I have beautiful people in my life who love me and support me. If I call them and say I am not okay they immediately begin to pray for me. They ask if I have reached out to my doctor. They ask can I do anything. They don’t tell me to pray it away or that I have a lack of faith. They help bear my burden by fixing me spaghetti or sending me memes they know will make me laugh. They check in to make sure the darkness has not overtaken me. They remind me that the Father loves me and the fact that I struggle with this particular thorn in my side does not mean that I love Jesus any less than I did before the depression reared its ugly head.

While I do have this support, much of the rest of Christian culture has not caught up.

Should we be forcing those suffering to choke down their suffering for our benefit? Should we be so scared of awkward, difficult, heartbreaking conversations that we can’t hear those who are suffering?

Let me shout a resounding NO in answer to those questions.

For those who are struggling, don’t hide. Those of you who are choking down sorrow and pain, there are those who will wade through those murky waters with you, you are not alone. We are out here; those who understand and even those who can’t relate that are willing to hear you. It is often in the falling apart that God does his best rebuilding.

I Used to Think God Hated Women

For the longest time I thought God to be male a supreme being sold on the supremacy of men. I grew up believing women had no role in the Christian faith that it was my job to remain silent and ask my father/husband if I had questions. I remember being so hurt that a God that was supposed to be so good would think so little of women. I never reconciled this attitude with the good God I had been told stories about all my life.

Outside of faith, what did society tell me about women? Beauty is the goal and if you are not beautiful then you will not be desirable. I can remember being told I would never marry because I was too fat. Many people told me all my life that if I would just lose a little weight I would be so pretty. These people were not just casual acquaintances these were people I trusted and looked up to. Just do this and you will be pretty. Somehow I was made to believe being “pretty” was the summation of my life goals.

I grew up believing that there was no beauty to be found in me and I still struggle with fighting that attitude because I still have not obtained that standard of beauty set forth for me as a woman in western society. I probably never will. The scars that my self-loathing caused years ago pretty much exclude me from that exclusive club. The very thing that was supposed to urge me to obtain the goal of “pretty” made me hate myself so deeply that self-injurious behavior seemed to be the only way to cope. My “ugly” body felt like a prison and I reached the point where I no longer felt that my life was worth saving.

Pretty is the goal. It didn’t matter that I excelled in school, I was a pretty decent writer, or that I could sing. I am resourceful, quick witted, capable, and compassionate but none of that seemed to stack up against the fact that I did not fit the role of “pretty.” I feel things so deeply and am passionate about justice and serving those who are otherwise overlooked but for some reason that doesn’t factor into pretty. It seemed that all the good in me added up to nothing and if God was male surely he couldn’t see the good in me right?

The good news is God is NOT a man. He is not bound by the corrupt misconceptions the permeate Western Culture. He does not value men over women. He does not value women based upon their appearance and as a matter of fact Jesus did more for women’s rights than any other figure in our history. I realized women do have roles in the church as I learned about women name, Priscilla, Junia, Mary, and others involved in ministry. Praise be that Jesus found me before I succeeded in letting my self-loathing take my life. Praise be to Jesus for showing me just how he sees me and that he knows the beauty found in me. Praise be to Jesus for showing me I have a place in his kingdom.

Now, before you rush to tell me how beautiful I am inside and out. STOP. Think about the thoughts that don’t escape your mind. How do you valuate beauty? Be honest. I catch myself over and over critiquing someone’s outfit, hair, makeup, and physical appearance in my mind. Once I realize what I am doing I cringe. I have been brain washed with the rest of society to pick apart another’s looks to valuate their attractiveness. We are also not just valuing their attractiveness we are valuing them as human beings based upon their appearance. This is SO WRONG. While it is wrong it is pervasive and commonplace in culture.

So how do we as Christians act counter to culture? We are looking around for the prettiest whitewashed tomb never bothering to roll back the stone to see what is inside. Culture says to value a woman based upon her appearance however God does not valuate us based upon our appearance.

‘But the LORD said to Samuel, “Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The LORD does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.”’ 1 Samuel 16:7, New International Version

We have to stop valuing women and men alike based upon society’s standard of criteria for what makes a person worthy of our love and affection. If you were to read 1 Samuel 16 you will see that Samuel learned that God can see things in others that our human eyes cannot. We must learn to see with the eyes of the Father and then we will be able to see the beauty in each other. All God’s children are worthy of our love.

The next time you see a woman don’t compliment her by telling her she is beautiful or that she looks nice. Invest in her. Ask her about her day. Tell her you appreciate her friendship or her cheerful attitude but please stop seeing her value in the shine of her lipstick. Please see us for more than just a pretty face. God loves us and knows that we are strong, capable, passionate, and mighty because of the presence of the Spirit of God in our lives. Try to see us through the eyes of Christ.

 

 

The Arrogant Cry of Revival

Arrogance has become a way of life for many of us in western culture. Maybe arrogance is just a condition of the fallen nature of man. It seems to be to be an epidemic among westerners including many western Christians.

Isaiah 29:13-16 says:

13 The Lord said:

Because these people draw near with their mouths

and honor me with their lips,

while their hearts are far from me,

and their worship of me is a human commandment learned by rote;

14 so I will again do

amazing things with this people,

shocking and amazing.

The wisdom of their wise shall perish,

and the discernment of the discerning shall be hidden.

15 Ha! You who hide a plan too deep for the Lord,

whose deeds are in the dark,

and who say, “Who sees us? Who knows us?”

16 You turn things upside down!

Shall the potter be regarded as the clay?

Shall the thing made say of its maker,

“He did not make me”;

or the thing formed say of the one who formed it,

“He has no understanding”?

We cry out for revival, for awakening yet we cannot seem to humble ourselves and come to God on his terms. In our arrogance we push forward plans, programs, and curriculums hoping to spur revival and change. We name movements, create clever hash tags, and tally numbers. We make schedules, spread the word, ask others to pray but are we forgetting that miraculous works of God come to us when we humble ourselves before God and acknowledge our great need for him?

We cry “SEND REVIVAL LORD,” but do we even think we need the presence of God in our own lives? Does the arrogant nature that has consumed our culture lie to us making us think we have no further need of God’s intervention in our own lives? Do we know how desperately wretched we are outside of the work of the Holy Spirit within in us creating us to be more like Jesus, the one whom we cry out to revive those around us? Do we realize that revival doesn’t come because we think other people need Jesus? God comes to those who are in need of him. He comes to those who recognize their deep, desperate need for him.

Can we say that we truly believe deep down in our soul we need God? I don’t mean need God to provide for the plans we have made I mean do we know that outside God we do not have our next breath? I mean that kind of desperation for God that you are clinging to his garment, desperation that says without you God I perish, I faint, I am no more, I am completely undone, desperation for God so much so that you can’t sit up in the bed in the morning or lay down at night without acknowledging your great need for him.

So instead of pleading “Send revival “ are their other things we could be petitioning the Lord for?

Oh God I am forsaken without you!”

“Oh God guide my next step!”

“Oh God search my heart, create in me a clean heart!”

“Oh God give me a longing, a thirst, a deep hunger for you!”

Perhaps once we have developed a burning, starving desire for God then he can begin to give us a spirit of trevail so that we may join his heart in the prayers for his children. Then we can begin to cry “oh God have mercy on all your children as you have shown me your great mercy over me.” Then we can pray that those around us discover their great need for the Father God and we can pray they begin to hunger and long for him.

God forgive me. God help me lay down my arrogance and take a posture of humility knowing that without you I am undone.

You are the Company You Keep

When I first met Jesus I feel in love with Jesus. My relationship with Jesus consumed my life. My prayer life was amazing as I communicated with God throughout the day understanding that he was present in my life just like a friend.

Then seminary happened. I found out it was considered weird by many to talk to God as a friend or to hear from God. I realized many people do not believe that God speaks to us through the Holy Spirit. This broke my heart but instead of standing my ground and holding my position I began to withdraw into a shell. I stopped talking to God as if he was right there with me. The schedule that I had taken on to make ends meet and meet standards for hours to receive financial aid took over my life and my prayer life suffered dreadfully.

While reading a book, Desiring the Kingdom, by James K.A. Smith I realized that my relationship with Jesus was no longer my number one desire. OUCH, OUCH, OUCH. I realized my schedule, my studies, attempting to be a good wife, the striving for perfection, and reaching for new fitness goals had taken that place in my life. This hurt my heart deeply. I recognized this decline much earlier but it did not register fully until I read Smith’s thoughts on desire.

‘Teacher, which is the great commandment in the Law?” And He said to him, “‘You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind.’ This is the great and foremost commandment’ (Matt. 26:36-38, New Living Translation).

I had forgotten that the way to love is relationship. In order to truly love someone I must know them and in order to know them I must communicate with them. After the realization that I was conforming to the world and forgoing my communication with God to avoid being that “freak” I have made steps to remedy that. Do you want to know what has happened as a result?

I am happier, more positive, clearer in my thoughts, ready to communicate with others, genuinely interested in their lives, passions and struggles, present, encouraged, ready to intercede for others, feeling loved and ready to love, and more. Now what conclusion could be drawn from this? Is it possible that my spending time in relationship is causing me to mirror some qualities that Jesus himself embodied? Okay so I am being a little coy, it is an obvious conclusion that more time we spend with those we love the more we begin to mirror their behavior.

Here is the take away today, “You are the company you keep.” I will stand on the belief that Jesus is readily accessible to his children and does hear us. I will stand on the fact that he WANTS to hear from us and he will answer us when we ask that of him. Call me weird; call me a freak, but I will stand on the real, actual benefits of a relationship with Jesus connecting us to the Father through the Spirit.

 

BOOM BOOM BOOM

BOOM. BOOM. BOOM.

I woke up this morning with my heart in my ears. After fighting insomnia and subsequent nightmares I woke up to an anxiety attack.

Anxiety and depression are like a slap in the face. My time with Jesus has been excellent this week. I have lost over twenty pounds and I have some really healthy goals set for my future. I had the best day I have had in a long time yesterday until last night.

There is no reason for me to be waking up with anxiety attacks except for the fact that I have an anxiety disorder and depression. So many times I have been asked to just rise above as if somehow my sheer will could make this all go away. It stands to reason that if one could choose to avoid torture they probably would. That would be my choice.

I have been led to believe this is my fault. Depression and anxiety are no one’s fault and I am not a failure because I suffer with it. Many Christians are lead to believe if they just pray hard enough that it will go away and if you have it after prayer it is your fault. That is sad and bad theology. It isn’t our prayer that makes depression go away. God is the healer and however he chooses to deal with the situation is the best possible solution. My depression hasn’t gone away but I have had the strength to hold onto God when I didn’t want to hold on at all. That is the power of God. That is the miraculous work of God in my life.

Even though today stinks it is better because God is in my life. God has me in his hands. God has given me the strength to fight when I don’t have the desire to take another step. So today even though I am in a hoodie and pajamas and I don’t want to leave the couch I have reason to celebrate because even in the bad days, the low days I am still loved and cared for.

Dear ones have heart if you fall short of the mark you have set for yourself don’t lose faith. God isn’t measuring you by that standard and there is much grace to be had in his arms.   Things that affect you do not measure your worth. Love God, love yourself, love your neighbor and trust in His light when the days have too many clouds.

My God … Faithful and Able

This morning I woke up happy.

Woah…

After suffering with depression for months waking up with peace and happiness permeating my being was miraculous. Medicine helped. Therapy helped. However, it was something else that flipped the switch in my soul.

A few nights ago I was lying in bed thinking all sorts of terrible things. I felt like my life was like sand in an hourglass and it was very near empty. I literally felt like my life was slipping away. In my desperation, I cried out to God. In that moment, I sat straight up asked God for help and told the enemy he had no right to my life.

After that, something in me changed. I literally felt a shift in my soul.

Over the next few days, the days became brighter and brighter. God literally lifted me up out of the depths of darkness and gave me back my life. I came to the realization that I couldn’t do it and when I reached that point I threw myself at the feet of Jesus knowing that the only thing that could sustain my life was him.

What I have learned from this very tough semester and very difficult few months is that God is faithful and God is able. In my weakness he is made strong. I could not have made it through the past few months without him and I could not have pulled myself off that bed without him. It doesn’t matter what I am facing he is able.

I also learned that my value is not based upon anything that I have or have not done. I thought that depression made me an invalid and that God could not use me. I thought that having to be on medication made me incapable. This is not truth. The enemy often wants us to believe that we are broken or less than so that we are frozen unable to do the work that God has called us to. The Holy Spirit dwelling within us defines who we are. We are children of the most High God. Through Him we are fearfully and wonderfully made. We are unique, made to love and serve God, and be witnesses of His goodness. By His power and His power alone we are made able.

My God is able and he is certainly faithful.

I Am NOT Able

This is the toughest thing I have encountered so far. Being a full time seminary student, while working 20 hours, while being a newlywed, while being depressed is stretching me further than I have ever been stretched. I am balancing many plates and I cannot put any of them down. I am pinned in, pressed down, and under pressure.

This stinks.

However, refinement is not often fun during the process. I want to scream. I would like to throw things at people who do not seem to understand just because I am carrying on it does not mean I am okay. I am falling apart on the inside. My anxiety has reached a point where my chest feels like it may cave in on itself. I fluctuate between needing to puke and run. I want to sit down and give up but I don’t have that choice. There is no stopping no giving up.

So what is a girl to do?

LEAN. Lean hard. Lean everything that I am into Jesus. I literally can’t take a breathe without knowing that God is ever-present in my life. Making another step at times takes a quick prayer. God has been trying to get through to me for some time on learning to lean into Him. I have no choice at this point. Am I saying God caused me to have depression because I wasn’t listening?

NO, absolutely not!

What I am saying is that without God I would not be able to pry myself out of bed when another day seems like sheer torture. Feeling like no on can see what is going on inside would take my breath without Jesus. I am not getting very far on homework but I am getting out of the bed. I am carrying on with my job and my classes. I am not becoming completely reclusive and am fighting not to shut people out of my life. Three years ago none of this would be possible. What makes it possible now is my relationship with Jesus. I am NOT able right now but my Jesus is. For now I will breathe deeply and trust. I will breathe deeply and lean and thank God that even when I am not able he most certainly is.

Push. Push. Push. Shove. Shove. Shove.

Push. Push. Push. Shove. Shove. Shove.

Smile. Fake it til you make it.

I’m great! I’m good. I’m okay.

***Translation****

Ugghhh another day, another assignment, another meeting, another shift, another…

I really wish bursting into tears was socially acceptable.

I feel terrible. I am literally on the edge of panic. I am dying on the inside.

Why do I always lie? Why do I say I’m okay when that couldn’t be further from the truth?

 I don’t like to disappoint people. Ever. Even strangers. If I disappoint people I feel like I have done the most treacherous deed possible for a human.

Guess what? It isn’t my job to make sure I never disappoint. I have one master of my life and that is God. Guess what? His standards for me are not what my human understanding tries to tell me they are.

Guess what? It is okay to not be okay. My honesty about how I really feel is not a disappointment. I am just as entitled to speaking the truth as anyone else in the world.

I AM NOT OKAY.

 Depression is a vindictive little thing. It doesn’t care if you have given your life to Christ. It doesn’t care if you are trying your hardest to keep up and balance everything. It doesn’t care if you have a thousand irons in the fire. Depression is no respecter of persons and it strikes when it so chooses. I didn’t make the chemicals in my brain jump around and get confused but they did. I suffered for SIX weeks before I got help. SIX LONG WEEKS.

Why did I do something like that? I didn’t want to disappoint God or the people that love me. I thought that if I admitted I was struggling that I was negating the healing that God has already brought in my life. I thought if I admitted I was struggling then I was no longer good enough and that I would be letting everyone down. LIES. The enemy is clever and loves to twist things just enough so they don’t seem too far-fetched. He loves to prey on old wounds and old lies and compound all of that it to a great big paralyzing mess.

GUESS WHAT?

My God is greater. Even in this really difficult time he has taught me that I am never alone. He is teaching me to lean hard into Him. I have tasted his faithfulness in ways I never experienced before. Before knowing God, this would have wrecked me. I would have spiraled and spun out in a very nasty, bad, unhealthy way. Now knowing God, I have him never a breath away walking right through this with me.

Not only do I have God, I have a host of amazing Spirit filled people praying for me and guiding me along. I have experienced community in a way I never thought possible in my life. I have seen genuine love and concern from so many people it overwhelms me. When I thought the resounding chorus would be “you have failed,” it has actually been “I am so proud of you,” “I am praying for you,” “I am right here with you,” and so, so many saying “I love you.” Not only do I have the father speaking sweet encouragement to my heart I have so many of his faithful echoing his beautiful words. I now understand peace that passes all understanding in a new and holy way. While I have a storm inside me, I also have the parallel understanding that no matter how bad the storm gets my God is still the one who calms the storm.

 

 

 

Living Into Labels

I am an INTJ, Type A, Left- Brained, Over-Functioning Introvert (with a pinch of social anxiety)

Wait … What?!?

I have learned a great deal about who I am over this past year and a half in seminary. It took the shedding of so many layers of hurt, sin, and the healing of wounds just to begin to look inside myself to see who I am. It seems all my life I was trying to be who everyone thought I should be. It wasn’t until the past few years that I began to ask myself who I am not who am I supposed to be.

A very wise woman, friend and mentor once encouraged me to find out who I am in Christ. That was a significant turning point in my life. Learning my identity in Christ gave me the courage to begin to let people love me. Now I find myself on the road to even be able to love myself. After learning about who I am in Christ I learned that we aren’t meant to disappear and have Jesus overcome us completely, we are meant to merge with Him taking on His character while combining it with who He created me to be.

This set me on a journey of understanding myself. I got down and dirty into the reality of who I am. I opened myself up to the full reality, the good, the bad, and the unfortunate ugly. The bad and ugly don’t get me down because I know that Scripture promises that the Light will overcome the dark. Knowing they are out in the open means I am one step closer to having God eradicate that junk from my life.

The good… I am capable, smart, kind, loving, thoughtful, hard-working, I love to help people, I love to sing, when I love, I love deeply, and I am strong.

The bad … I am not good at Sabbath. I am driven to the point of annoyance. I get caught up in the busy-ness and forget what is important. Self-control, when it comes to certain aspects of my life, is not something I am good at, not at all.

The ugly … I am a control freak, to the max. I let issues of control disable my ability to process my emotions. I only apply grace when it is easy, when I so judge it to be necessary. I can be quick to judge instead of quick to pray. I am stubborn and oh, so hard headed.

I have noticed that while the assortment of labels above, INTJ, type A, etc., do describe who I am, if I let them define who I was, it might allow me to keep the bad and ugly in my life because “that is just the way I am.” Granted, right now those characteristics are a part of my life but if I am going to live out the life Scripture has set before me, they GOTTA GO! I am not called to live into labels I am called to become like Jesus. My mind is to be transformed until it mirrors the truth found in the teachings of Jesus. I am to allow the Holy Spirit to work in my life until I become God’s best version of me. Don’t get me wrong these descriptions have helped me learn about myself but the main point is not to be defined by these terms but to be on a journey toward holiness. Let us not live into a label, but live into that journey.

 

“Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is–his good, pleasing and perfect will.” – Romans 12:2

Healing Begins

For most of my life I choked down most everything. I choked down my perceived failure at the expectations I had put on myself and had put on me by others. I choked down the pain of the harsh judgments hurled at me because I didn’t look like what the world wanted me to be. I was too loud, too fat, too smart, too weird, too goodie-goodie, not good enough. I took those on, accepted them as truth, and choked on the pain burning deep inside. I choked down the pain of self-fulfilling prophecies that never ended well. I choked down all the lies the enemy hurled at me. I choked down the constant fear of being hurt by those around me. I spent so much time swallowing that searing hot, burning pain, that by the time I was 19 I set out on a mission to destroy myself because I did not see that I had any value worth saving. I almost succeeded.

Roughly eight years later, I encountered a man named Jesus. I remember sitting in my friend’s living room as he and his wife talked me through what I was experiencing. As Darren sat down at the piano, he began playing and singing a song with these words, “so you thought you had to keep this up/all the work that you do/so we think that you’re good/and you can’t believe it’s not enough/ all the walls you built up/are just glass on the outside.” The truth of those lyrics pierced my heart sharper than any blade. The title of that song is “Healing Begins” and that is just what happened that very night. The healing began.

As I sit on the other side of that moment roughly three years later I realize that the healing is still happening. Knowing Jesus exposed the lies in my life. I know now I am the daughter of the most High King, a precious, treasured creation. I know that God gave the most dear thing He had to offer for me because He loves me that much and He truly is that good. Even after walking hand in hand with Jesus for two years I still had such a struggle with falling back into self-hatred.

Enter my person, my other half, Christopher my husband. What a gift from God he is. Seeing myself through his eyes has taught me I am treasured and beautiful. Even on the days when I can’t believe it, I can see the truth in his eyes. For years I choked on tears and grief. His love combined with the love of God has taught me it is okay to grieve, to weep, to be sad. Marriage has become another vehicle for God to work in my life and heal areas in desperate need of His touch. I believe that through the love of God and the love of a Godly man I will reach the point where I can love myself every day free of the temptation to slip back into the lies.

Tonight I wept. I grieved DEEPLY and I was okay with that. I didn’t feel like I was letting anyone down. I didn’t feel like I had no right to process what I was feeling. Tonight even in the midst of so many tears for the first time I felt okay in the midst of my grief. While that may not sound like healing, it absolutely is a major milestone in my life. When I look around at the past year or two for so many of those that I love and barely even know I see such pain, grief, inexpressible sorrow, and loss. Tonight I know it is okay to cry with them, to pray earnestly for their comfort, and fall apart in the arms of my Healer, God the Father, and Best Friend.

“He himself bore our sins” in his body on the cross, so that we might die to sins and live for righteousness; “by his wounds you have been healed.” – 1 Peter 2:24